Conventional methods have failed. Sprays, pellets, powders, and my incessant cursing have done nothing to make this year’s weed problem go away. I wrote a letter to my Representative in D.C. asking her to sponsor a bill that would immediately classify weeds, in particular dandelions, henbit, and crabgrass, as a threat to national security, placing them on a terrorist most wanted list. I have yet to hear back. Surely, she must understand what a serious threat this has become. Unsightly yards are one of the most un-American things I can think of, ranking just behind hatred of country, hatred of democracy, hatred of capitalism, hatred of over eating, hatred of reality television, and hatred of any person or organization advocating that we stop hating.
I am not unreasonable. I have a simple solution. Since there appears to be some vacancies in Guantanamo, I would like to see every weed in America, starting with the ones in my yard of course, force-relocated to Cuba. However, failing this, and assuming I get no reply from D.C., I have another plan: Operation Weed Whacker.
At zero-dark-thirty, air raid sirens will be activated giving townspeople an hour to evacuate. At that time I will scramble a C-130 Combat Talon aircraft out of Whiteman Air Base carrying two BLU-82 fuel-air bombs, commonly referred to as “Daisy-Cutters.” The Daisy Cutter, with its 12,000 lbs of high explosives, can clear an area over 300 feet in diameter. Two BLU-82s, one dropped in the front yard, one in the back, should do nicely. Once and for all, sweet freedom will bloom and I will be rid of every weed that ever thought about growing in my yard, or the neighbor’s yard, or every neighbor’s yard on the block, or perhaps along the entirety of Pearl Street. My weed eater, broadcast spreader, spray bottle of Roundup, and I will view the rain of fire from a command and control aircraft kept at a safe distance, which most likely means we’ll be viewing from space. We shall hold each other and weep with joy when it is over.
After the initial fireball of biblical proportion, deadly shock wave, and secondary raging ground fires have subsided, which I anticipate taking approximately 18-24 months, the majority of Harrisonville will be allowed back to their bare, scarred, but weed free lots so the rebuilding process and lawn seeding can begin. I don’t care what type of homes and businesses are put back up, just as long as everyone knows there will be a blanket kill order on anything growing from the ground that isn’t fescue, ryegrass, or bluegrass. I will keep a third BLU-82 on ready alert and will use it should anyone fail to properly keep these pesky terrorists out of their yards.
Some people may get injured, their homes and memories destroyed forever, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. One could argue this overly aggressive solution is excessive and way too costly. I ask you, fair and gentle citizens, can you put a price on a lush green lawn free of broad leaf terror? No, I think not.
When Operation Weed Whacker has been brought to a successful conclusion, I will then turn my attention to a matter in which I fear there are no political, military, or diplomatic solutions. There is a yucca growing in my back yard by the fence. BLU-82s, C-130 Combat Talons, and biblical fire mean nothing to a yucca.
Not even Chuck Norris can kill a yucca.