Class schedule

August 9, 2013 

Supplies are being sought, clothes are being purchased, parents the world over are rejoicing, and kids are watching the seconds tick off on their doomsday clocks. Back to school time is upon us once again.

As an adult, there have many times I wish I was going back to school. Youth is definitely wasted on the young. I would do it so much differently, and better, the second time around. My major would be Success in America Today. Every class selection would be a strategic masterpiece chosen not because of the time of day the class is held, how easy it is, or by the number of pretty girls in it, but solely because it could advance my cause and lead to fame and fortune.

My first class would be “Business Ethics” taught by Halliburton alum and former Vice President Dick Cheney. Kenneth Lay, former Enron CEO, has authored the textbook that we will use for the class. I’d take that early in the day so that it wouldn’t affect my lunch later.

Second period would be “Money, Banking, Wall Street and the Art of Avoiding Jail Time.” The CEO of Goldman Sachs, Lloyd Blankfein, and JP Morgan Chase CEO, James Dimon, would head the class, with special appearances by the former CEOs of Bear Sterns and Lehman Brothers.

After lunch, something in humanities and arts would be in order I think. Perhaps I’ll take “Something for Nothing: The Rise of Reality TV.” Octo-Mom and the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are slated to lead the class. There’s a lab I can take to pick up another hour or so as well. Kim Kardashian is in charge of it. The problem is that it’s offered at night only. Apparently, that’s when Kim does her best work.

For a science, there is “Better Living Through Chemistry.” Alex Rodriguez has graciously offered to teach this class now that he has some spare time on his hands. Ryan Braun and approximately 50 other current and former major leaguers could fill in should A-Rod strain his quad or something.

To end the day, maybe “Cable News Networks,” a history of party politics, corporate shills, and the death of actual reporting. That really sounds interesting and useful.

Once I am an upperclassman, I can take “535-Congress, Senate, Graft and Greed-the Long Game,” and then “The System:A Study on Government Contracts and Preferred Vendor Status.” Pass those courses and there’s no stopping me.

Oh, I should probably take a physical education course, something to challenge my body and burn off some calories. Think maybe I’ll take “Xbox 101.”

Perfect.

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